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and it's hard to hold a candle
2002-07-22 - 12:56 p.m.
crush...ing me

prestently listening to:

intentions to:

soberity level:

fuck you Greg! fuck you! fuck this!

why can't i be enough? why am i so damned angry?!? i am. i'm so pist right now i don't know weather to cry or punch walls.

damn Livy for making all this real. i knew how much i like you. but it's not real till you tell someone. damn it. shes the one who started all this. damn it. shes the one that saw the way your tone changes when you talk to me. shes the one that saw the way you find a way to touch me even violently. damn it. it didn't have to be real. i was going to ignore the whole thing. i was trying so hard to ignore the whole damned thing. Marco wanted to talk to you about it. he wanted to get you and i together. he thought all you needed was a tiny push, no, a clue. but thats not it.

you don't feel this way about me and thats fine. it was fine. but now its like a project. christ, even Paul is in on it. he asked Livy what was up with you and me. i swear Greg i had nothing to do with this whole scandal. i just liked you since the first time i met you, honestly. i never said anything about till that one night. remember? it was all a big joke right? you remember what you said? "friends mean so much more to me, if you knew me you'd know that." how am i suppost to know? i've never even heard about you and any girl, except for the Candice scandal. but whats that? friends mean more huh? thats not the impression you gave me with that story. that was harsh of me, i'm sorry.

i'm just so mad that i can't be it. it was frustrating before, but i could pretend it was okay, because no one really knew. i didn't have to say anything to your friends Greg, it was them, not me. i'm just an innocent by-standard with a harmless crush. not anymore. i guess its called a crush cause it feels like i'm being crushed every time i remember that all this is in my head and you get to go on unwavered by these feelings.

by the way, i can't handle everyone building you up in my presence all the time. Livy, Marco, Paul, Julian, David, Mike, ENOUGH!!! don't they know i can see it all myself!?! "Greg is such a goood guy...good friend,loyal, kind, smart, awesome...hes knows whats up, hes got his priorities staight, hes going do somthing great, you can count on Greg." its enough to drive me completely mad. I SEE IT ALL! STOP REMINDING ME!!!

i guess it comes down to my being angry because i'm really just disapointed that the icon of desire, physically, emotionally, sexually, lygistically, is unobtainable to me. then i get mad for not being enough. i can try to be it, change my appreance, my attitude, my life, but that'll never be what i want. why can't i just be enough? because i'm just not enough and theres nothing i can do about it.

so with this all out of my system i sigh and hope i can go another night in your apartment, with you and all those "flirty"(<--Livia's words) things you do and hope i won't crack today.

if i were smart i'd disapear till i was over you and all this. but you'd call me and ask where i was, ask me to come back, and i'd lie because i'd be afraid that if i'd tell you the truth you wouldn't want me to come back because it would be uncomfortable. then i couldn't come back, even if i thought i was over it. so then. do i disapear? no, i don't want to think about telling you the truth. i'll just sit in your apartment everynight, like always, till it fades away or until its realy too much and i end up being rude to you so i can leave and not think about ever telling the truth.

i just want someone to talk me out of this crush. i just want someone to tell me its not a good idea. i just don't want the only person to not want you & i, to be you.

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in the cold November rain