prestently listening to:

intentions to:

soberity level:

livia needs to chill the fuck out.

how fair is this?...Mike Becker introduces me to Neal, Greg and Marco. awesome! these guys are quality people. through my new found security and stability, i find it with in myself to do what needed to be done probably a year ago, i broke up with athe boy that held my heart. that was rough. lets not relive what it was like for me when we broke up the first time...oh mi gawd. i was suicidal for sure. anyway... with these new friends i realize that i can be liked for more than putting up with bullshit and putting out for a bastard. how fucking cool. thank you neal greg marco and david, and paul. they saved me, no joke. if it wasn't for them i'd be hanging myself by my own self loathing with ian today. what would i be doing without them?

here comes paul. paul is gregs friend, cool as fuck. but paul has a sister my age, livia (aka-SpazCase). from the first time i hung out with her she was dumping her issues on me. no big deal, we all need someone sometimes. no. within the first week of meeting her, she'd storm my work in a hysterical frenzy. not cool. but, i understand, i've been there. then, we hang out 8hrs a day because she doesn't work or go to school. fuck that. shes got nothing else to do, shes looking for a job. she spazes out 3-4 time a day. fuck no. i'm so unstable myself. i was finally getting really beter, i can't be dumped on 8hrs a day! Fucking A! i didn't sign-up for this job! who designated me the best friend?!? "your the only friend she has" "we're all she has" thanks for the guilt marco. what about me? when do i ever get to consider myself? i never have.

so last night...

we (livy & I) met up around 2 and around 4 met up with paul and went to good guys. mind you the only reason i was ok with hanging out was because she was suppost to go to marco's at 5:30. she gets into osome fight with marco via cell phone while we were in 711. she makes a scene and paul has to go in the store to she why everyone is stareing. so, pist we're driving back to the apartment and within a 1/4 of a mile she changes her mind about being dropped off at marco's 7 times. 7 times. i mean, really. finally paul stops in front of marco's and sternly asks "are you getting out or not". then to be a bitch she says to her constantly guilt ridden brother "fine, i'll go cause your pist at me". so now she out of the car and paul is saying to me "i feel bad. i just wanted her to make up her mind." we go back to neal & gregs and marco calls to get us all out to eat. i told him i didn't want to see livia all pist off. he assured me she was better and they were on thier way up. there, paul, greg and i are saying everything we can to not have to go out with them. greg and i were on the couch everyone else was smoking in the door way and greg says

g-"neal doesn't want people here tonight, carolinia (neals g/f) is coming over"

k-"ahh, good point" i respond. when marco chimes in

m-"whats a good point"

k-"that neal want us out of the house"

m-"why?"

k-"marco, i was talking to greg, you want me to repeat the entire conversation?" ok i said rather snotty

then everyone went to livias apartment down stairs. i went over there to say goodnight to all this bullshit and they were playing with livias phone, so, i snuck out and left. greg caught me and i told him i was leaving. while in my car parked across the street, i see greg pull out and he drives over and parks next to me. we sit there and spit shit about fuct drama when livia calls me. shes pist and wants to know why i left "what, you don't want to hangout with us?" (no bitch, i don't want to hang out with you!) then she asks "why'd you yell at us?". now, when did i yel at an "us" i ask myself? "what are you talking about" i ask. she impersonates me:"i was fucking conversating with greg marco, you want me to recite the entire fucking conversation!" now that stuck a nerve with me. if you think i'm wrong, good, call me on it. but if you have to put words in my mouth to bulid your case, better fuck off cause i won't take it. my dad would do that to me. no thanks, i'm done. so i lose it a yell at her telling her to get her shit straight because, A, i was talking to marco, not anyone but marco. B, i never swore at anyone. C, if i choose to leave, whos buisness is that but mine? needless to mentionj, i said all this in a MOST unpleasent tone and swore a whole bunch...then i hung up on her ass. 5 mins later we see her and marco walking down to marcos car, parked next to mine. as soon as they saw me, they went back up to her car.

greg and i had dinner, smoked a bowl and went back to the apartments. over dinner we discussed possible consequences to this outburst and he deemed her un-nessicary in his life. how ever, jsince she lives down stairs and is dating marco, and is pauls sister, i'm fuck outa luck. i get the walking papers.

i went to SF to see stevie , got ridiculously high, forgot everything and went to bed by 12. i woke up from 5 hours of nightmares and couldn't sleep. so, i waited in my warm bed till 6 then got up and went to the gym. i cryed all morning. what am i suppost to do?if i lose all of them what'll i have? steveie has a whole life i'm not a part of. Erik is in Santa Barbra. before my boys all i had was ian. i'm so scared that i'll lose it. who do i have? this isn't fair.

livia and my realionship is based on her dumping on me. i chose not to be dumped on for one night and i ger esxiled? some friend.