prestently listening to:

intentions to:

soberity level:

when will i except things that are a constant in my life? no matter how long i can go without eating, i never really get that much thinner. no matter how many times i exercise in a day, no matter how many consecutive days, i'll never fit the image i'd like to in my head. no matter how i change my apperance, i'm still the same person underneath it all. no matter how jealous i get, that jealousy never impresses or wins anyone over. no matter how great i convince myself i am after all that torrment of shape size and style, i still pick the boys that won't ever care for me. what is it? the less i need or want someone, more attractive i become.

is it asking so much to want to feel beautiful? is it asking so much to be loved for who i am?

i've given up on pretending to know what the fuck is going on any more. people ask how i've been, what i've been doing and i tell them, "i don't really know. nothing really." its not that i'm satisfied with this answer, not at all. its just the truth. i've been lost since jr. year in high school. i've had educational goals, plans, but all they seem to do is disapoint me.

what do i have going for me? nothing comes to mind. its not that i'm hopless. i'm very sure i could accomplish great things, IF I HAD THE DESIRE TO. the problem is lack of...not motivation...focus maybe? i can't seem to find anything worthy enough of my efforts.