prestently listening to:

intentions to:

soberity level:

kim 'iwas', reminded me of why it is i can't seem to take my dad seriously when he tells me that his family misses and cares for me.

all my aunts, not 'ants', all my beautiful aunts with beautiful sucessful daughters always tell me i look thinner when i see them. i was a fat child. i'm deffinetly thicker than twig like, a naturally thicker girl, but really. i hated my body for soo long. i still do most of the time. do they think thier doing me a favor by mentioning my size at all?

i'm a pretty girl. i can say that without feeling shameful or boastful. why can't they?

better yet, how about they mention that i go to and pay for school that no one had to encouraged me to attend?

how about they tell me that they are proud of the hours i put into the youth center i work at every fricken day? how about they become struck with the realization that i left the superficial world of doing hair and make-up to better the youth and community of my home town.

and i wonder why i feel so worthless all the time. i grew up thinking that i wasn't good enough because i wasn't pretty, thin and didn't wear skirts. (my zia jen would send me home from dinner at her house if i wasn't wearing a skirt.)

they all shake thier heads now. they shake thier heads at my multicolored hair, pink-puple-blonde-black. they shake thier heads at my many tatoos and wisper about the ones they heard i got. the ring in my lip. the holes in my ears. they shake thier heads because i don't have dinner with them as often as they think i should...not like me to attend, but think i should. they shook thier heads when i cried at THIER fathers funeral.

now i shake my head because they must not think highly of themselves to have so many strong opinions.

i shake my head because i'm the closest to happy i've ever been, and they think i need more help now than ever.