prestently listening to:

intentions to:

soberity level:

i was supost to go to santa cruz for the weekend. neal invited me to stay at carloinas house with him and greg (as she would be out of town for the weekend). i didn't go over to the house much this week. (i'm starting to hate myself there. not hate being there, but hate who i am there.)

i talked to greg friday, as his phone is the only line to reach those two whom have trouble paying phone bills. i asked if they were going, "not tonight, tomrrow i think". at this point i had my lil over night bag packed and ready to go. but, no prob. tomorrow then.

that night dave marco & i went on a stoney mission to 'cyote point' and tryed to climb a fence to the coolest play area ever (with BIG cement slides!) in the process of this fence climbing, marco & i thought it best to bend the distached chain-link and take turns kinda hopping over it. (dave was further down the fence finding his own way over, hes a baby) so i was holding the fence as marco got on top of it and jumped off to the other side. in this jump, in the dark, he caught his FACE on the wire the fence was supost to be held up right by. so, he flung to the other side dancing around cursing. i started calling dave as marco, between swears, says,"i'm bleding...alot, i think i broke my nose!"

well, we finally got him back on our side of the fence. indeed there was a gash on the ridge of his nose, hardly broken though. we smoked big that night. between davids freshly pulled wisdom teeth and the new hole in marcos face, they decided they had to beat me up or push me down a hill or somthing. gimp squad!

saturday i hung out with my mom at her other job. i called greg noon-ish and reminded him i wanted to go to santa cruz, he said he wasn't sure they were going (he was 'at matt's house' whick i assume means, 'fucking alison, matt's sister'). i called him 5 hours later and he didn't pick-up (hmm. mid hump?). i saw marco around 7 and he told me he had just spoken to greg whom was almost in santa cruz at the time.

cool. really cool.

pist and above all hurt, i went out for drinks. claudia (one of the very few girls i respect and hang out with on occassion, repect mostly out of fear of her) & i went to PF Changs this fancy chinese place Anthony (her b/f my x-student peer of cosmo. school) works at. we got wasted at the bar then went to L@A for more drinks after Anthonys shift ended. i was wasted.

that night apon arriving home, i decided it time to call ian. now why do i do this? thats never a good idea, ever. espeacially at 1am, wasted.

(*note to self: calling ex-s in any altered state, emotional, intoxication-al ect. = bad news.)

i asked him if he wanted to try and go to the zoo again (reffer to diary 'to-zhenya'). we love sloths. sacramento zoo has a sloth. we tried to go once, but the sloth wouldn't come out of his house because it was rainy. anyway, he said he'd love to. wow. surprise. that was easy. i've been trying to see him, as friends, since we broke up in May. he said he'd call we he woke up 12ish. i reminded him it takes 2 hours to get there and he siad he'd probably wake up around 11 since it was still early and he was on his way to bed. excellent.

i woke up from a troubled sleep at 7am. my mom had been up since 5. she was always a maniac early bird. i got up and washed my face and brushed my teeth from the night to drunk before to do so.

"your great grandmother died this morning"

it wasn't a shock. she was 88. she had a stroke a year ago and had been in 24 hr medical care since.

i checked my phone to make sure i hadn't imagined the phone call. no such luck.

i couldn't go back to sleep so i got up, before 8...again. (thanks mom) i waited till 11:30, then i called dave to see if he wanted to go to santa cruz. i was hurt cause greg and neal left me, but i'd win. i told him my situation with ian and he asked why i was trying to make other plans.

honestly, i didn't think he'd call. i figured i'd get stood up AGAIN. i wasn't having it. (plus i'd been waiting around since 8am w/ 2 cups of coffee in me!)

sure enough, ian called as dave and i got on to the free way. dave and i had counted down to 12 before we left. ian called 15 after the hour.

i let his call go to my voice mail. ok, so...i change my voice mail bi-weekly. presently, you call and get a message micah left me full of drunken slurs and sexual inuendos(<-?) then, BEEP. (mind you i was seeing micah when ian and i were broken up for a minute, reffer to diary'letter2micah')

the thought of him hearing this and inevitably (<-?) becoming infuriated made my day. i'm sick. (you'd understand if you only knew him and i)

i called him back 20 mins later and told him i was on my way to santa cruz. i apologized and explained, less than sincerly, that i had waited till 12. he went on to say he'd be out of town for the next two weekends. i wished him fun on his excursions and said good-bye. did i mention that i mentioned to him that i was drunk when i had called? he said he could tell.

i felt bad two minutes after hanging up. but, shit. i waited till 12, right? i couldn't have spent the day waiting for his call. i did that for two years.

dave and i went to santa cruz, had lunch and called greg. him and neal had just gotten home. fuck them anyway.

dave and i went to the boardwalk, walked on the beach and got cotton candy.

i told him i 'got some' the night before. i was supost to hangout with him and marco, i told them i'd call after "drinks with a friend." i didn't mean to lie to make myself sound cool. it was the only thing i could come up with that would keep him off my case (plus he isn't the type to ask for details).

dave and i had to study tonight so we came back by 5pm.

why do i still feel bad for standing ian up?

oh ya, i'm not a dirt bag like him. i have feelings for people other than myself.

still. i know i'll end up calling him tonight to apologize again and mention the dead g-ma thing as to escape blame by sympathy.

i suck. i do mean things, apropriately, but then i feel miserable about it.

i'm mad. i'm mad at neal and especially greg. i'm mad at ian for calling 15mins late. i'm mad at myself.

why can't i kick things when i'm mad instead of cry about them like normal people?