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and it's hard to hold a candle
2002-09-30 - 8:41 a.m.
'love is suicide' b.c. of s.p.

prestently listening to:

intentions to:

soberity level:

ya. i called him.

i told him i was sorry for flaking. he told me he was looking forward to the zoo that day. i told him i was looking forward to seeing him that day. he said we'd see each other soon. i don't believe him.

i told him grandma fish had passed that day. he said he was sorry. i told him it was too hard sitting around the house for 4 hours waiting for a phone call. he reminded me i could call him anytime.

i started to cry at the thought of how false that invitation was.

i told him i had to go study for my philosophy exam. he wished me luck and beat me to the hang-up botton on the phone.

that always bugges me. when he hangs up first.

if lauryn hill knew me and my situation she'd say:

"girl, how you gon-let this bugga foo geh you down? you know he weren't worth shit before you 'en you know he ain't worth shit now. why you trippin girl?"

this is in the case that lauryn hill didn't hate white people as i'm often told when outsiders enter my car-music relm.

but really, why is it i can't handle letting him go? is it really love? in the words of billy corgan of SP, "love is suicide"

perhaps its time i start thinking as hard-ass as i act. its just, when you think no one is worthy of your company, i'd think one might get lonely. but then, i often think i'm not worthy of peoples company, and i'm often lonely. i ought to atleast try the opposite extreme. if it works anything like how boys-want-you-only-when-your-unavailable, i should be very popular in no time...right?

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in the cold November rain