prestently listening to:my mother franticly vacuuming

intentions to: get dressed and play nice

soberity level: 1/2 cup of coffe down so far...

today i'm not going to class at 9 like i do on tuesdays and thursdays. today i got up at 8 to clean my house. we are having company stay here tonight. i'm going to my Great Grandmothers funeral today at 11.

my grandma, the decease's daughter, argued that they need not be a ceremony because Great Grandma Fish was cremated. my grandma said that she need not be bothered with driving 3 hours to a ceremony she deems as unneccisary. my grandma complained about having to pay to stay in a hotel for the night.

this service is already paid for. the Great G-ma paid for it years ago and asked that we attend. grandma mosley, the arguable one, is the only living offspring of the Great Fish.

my mom's family is full of secrets. secret marriages, children out of wedlock, divorces, molestation charges and gossip. the common theme amongst the females of the family is to talk shit, cold shoulder fake politeness and eat ham. they love ham.

i don't eat ham. i try my best not to talk shit, and if i do i'll fess up to it if i haven't already said it straight out to the shit-talked-of. i may come off a bit snotty at times, but i'm not an aletest.

my family will greet me, not remember my name and then gasp when i turn my back because of my hair, tatoos and piercings. they'll repremand my mother in conversations for allowing me to slip away. these are the women with REAL drug addict sons or daughters and/or HIV patients. don't tell them i said so, it's a BIG family secret.

i'll smile today, play nice and offer my condolences to those mourning (or not mourning) one of the most bitter and unhappy women i ever met. i'll attend the wake and sit quitely with my "ratty" cousins from Washington that drove down to mourn a loss of life, blood. they'll ask for pot, i'll have none. (i don't see it fit to smoke before durning of after this event, call me over sensitive) atleast they'll come for the right reasons.

today i'll soak in all of my surroundings and it'll add fuel to the fire that'll get me far, faaar away from here. this town. my family. i'll never forget or sub these people. they are my blood. they are the examples of what fate i am doomed to if i don't get the fuck outta here.

rest your sole Great Grandma Fish. stacey and i would play hide-and-go-seek in your backyard. we'd draw you pictures and you'd hang them up and show them to your friends. we'd pull apart your plastic grapes that had sat on your dinning room table for EVER. you'd yell and we'd scatter.

i remember going to see Seaseme St. live with you and God Mummsy Katie. what a fantastic show!

you may not be missed exactly, but we will never forget you. you have forever made an impression on our lives, and for this, i thank you.

i'm excited to hear people speak of perhaps a softer side that i never knew of.