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and it's hard to hold a candle
Wednesday, Nov. 13, 2002 - 9:03 am
*i need a hug today.

prestently listening to:morning radio

intentions to: go to classes

soberity level: nahh

i woke-up diheartened today. i woke-up sad, lonley and lost.

i began to think that the date went really badly last night, but i don't think thats it. that couldn't be it. i was having one of the most horrible days EVER yesterday. and when i came home from being out with brandon, i had forgotten how bad my day had been earlier.

it started with Mr. Phil the asshole. then, i went to the DMV only to turn around and leave as the line was a joke coiling around to the outside of the building. next i got pulled over on my way to the court house to pay off my tickets. i was pulled over in my unregistered, uninsured vehicle. thank gawd that i had the pink slip with me. the cop wrote me a ticket and let me go on the registration and insurance. my car could have easily been impounded. next i went to the court house to pay over 300 dollars in fines. while i was in line there, holding very still, being very quite, all i could think about was what i was capable of at that very point. i daydreamed kicking the person in front of me that kept turning around and looking at me wierd, throwing the rope line poles across the room, punching in all the "next window" signs that sat in every fucking window but one and screaming as i ran out of the building.

next i went to AAA to register my car, as the cop had suggested. i waited, again, very patiently. i found it offensive that the AAA office was fully adorned in chistmas garb. there stood a 4ft glowing snowman. i wanted nothing more than to kick in his bloated white belly and break off his plastic carrot nose. but i didn't. instead i waited, quietly. when it was my turn in line the window closed without any sign of return by the troll working the counter. about 5 mins later a new window opened. i turned over my pink slip assured it was filled out correctly. no. the seller, of whom i do not any longer have a number for, didn't sign in all the right places. near the point of snaping, i smiled and asked if there was anyway around this signature. fool. she thought i was just a nice girl looking for some help, when really, at this point i was near the brink of a violent psycotic episode. we did all could without that signature. all we could included mostly me forking over 300 dollars in taxes for my new car. the car i'm talking myself into selling these days. ouch.

work went well.

brandon made my day.

i think i had troubling dreams last night. thats why i woke-up so broken. i'm in some shit right now. with my license, money stuff. this is what i get for that entry where i was complaining about not having anything to complain about.

i need a hug today. i've got this thing. i don't like being touched unless i'm super comfortable with that person, like we're intimate, or its stevie or erik. i could cry to you about how it stems from my parents and how i wasn't hugged or touched at all much as a child. but, none of that matters so much today. because, today i don't care that its hard to be held. today all i want is a hug.

why am i so sad today?

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in the cold November rain