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and it's hard to hold a candle
Tuesday, Dec. 17, 2002 - 8:02 am
rationalize? ha.

prestently listening to:the wind howl outside my kitchen window

intentions to: i wanna go back to sleep

soberity level: far far too sober

i woke up this morning to find a anxiety attack sitting on the pillow next to me. waiting. watching. waiting. it could see i was waking up so it crawled into my head through my ear and here it sits in my head. my breathing is shallow, my heart racing. all i can do is rub my face and keep saying to myself, "why.what.why."

"its been raining for a couple of days in a row. i just need some sun, thats all. sunday night was a lil intense, i just need some time to soak it all in. my finances are improving. i have friends. i'm doing good. i'm well. i'm ok."

but what is this unknown fear that crawls into my head on mornings like this? its almost too much to stand some times. i've gotten so much better in the last couple of months. i don't need pills or lamps or someone to tell me its ok to feel this way. i just need to get over it.

"build a fuckin bridge!"

deep breaths. no coffee for mee today. gawd, i just wanna go back to sleep. if i close my eyes i'm haunted by things that have to shape or color, no image at all. things that move in my head too fast and make me dizzy sick. things that pull on my heart and make my face cringe. breath. maybe if they had shape it could rationalize them. but, they don't. so, i can't.

rationalize. ha.

i'm sleepy, dizzy, sick and sad. make it stop spinning in my head, please?

make it still.

why are things so complicated for me in the morning?

what can i say to him? i can't, not now. later.

"i feel like i'm taking crazy pills!"

all i need to do is make a list. things that must be done today. it there is an order and schedule to today i'll be fine. regimin.

the sun is out, i gotta go catch some of that!

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in the cold November rain