prestently listening to:

intentions to:

soberity level:

this one time DI (during Ian) i was called jealous....

this was after we'd broken up for a few months and then gotten back together. lets all remind our selves that ian broke up with my cause he "needed space" and that he wanted for us to end up back together. but then his best friend was trying to get with me, and, perhaps wrong on my part, i used the best friend to work the detail of our break up out of him. (used Jordan for the duration of two 1 hour long phone calls, not like made-out with him for info) it had turned out that ian was seeing this "friend" of his that i was always suspicious of, never liked. actually, one night i surprised him by leaving the party i was at early so that i could go met him at the one he was at and when i got there he looked very worried. i gave him and two of his friends, Peter and Lucey a ride back to Berkley. turned out he'd been making out with Lucey the entire night piror to my getting there.

a week later he broke up with me at a beach in Marine that i'd driven to to help him move his car. i left work to rescue him, and i got dumped. i sobed and sobed and even begged him to reconsider. less than a week later Jordan was all over my shit and ended up telling me all about that night at the party and how Lucey and Ian were an item now. on the brink of loseing my mind over such hurtful detail, i called ian and as calmly as possible told him to reconsider who his friends were, told him of Jordans loud mouth and then wished him the best with his new girlfriend. after hanging up, i promptly puked and sobed till i pasted out. i guess ian called Jordan and swore he was going to hunt him down and kill him. Jordan called me and left a message saying something like he understood why i called ian, and he forgave me.

so, months go by and we aren't together but we sleep together on occassion and break each others heart everytime. eventually after a rather psycotic episode on my part, we get back together.

(psycotic episode....i used to keep a diary of my broken heart, day after day of tears and i faked a e-mail account and eventually, drunk and hurting, sent it to him under a strange name. poseing as a stanger, my angle was this; i read this diary regularly and took it apon myself to alert this boy being that there were a great many tears shed in his name from a girl that loved him still. sounds stoopid and unbelievable? it worked. he read this diary and became very emotional. he got wasted, took his dads car out and crashed it into a fire hydrant. he got picked up on a DUI and driving without having a license. we got back together shortly after. i never told him i sent the link but i wouldn't be surprised if he knew.)

blah blah. so here we are going out once again, disfunctional as all shit. one night, emotion distraught, i sought the love and comfort of the boy of whom was holding my barely beating heart in his clumbsy hands. i drove from RWC to Berkley with tears in my eyes. all i wanted was a hug. i got to his house and his father told me he was out. seeing my tear streak face, he assured me Ian'd be back in no time. i figured, i drove all the way out here, might as well wait for him. he didn't have a cell phone at this point so all i could really do was wait for his coming home or his call g'night. so, i rest my head on his pillow and waited. soon came morning, no ian, no phone call. i woke alone in his room hallow and broken. i was terrifed. where'd he go? why wouldn't he have called? fear raced through my vains. i stayed around till noon the next day, when i couldn't take it any longer and headed home. i figured if they found his body, it'd be just as well that i was at my own house to hear the news.

he called around 3pm that day with a causual hello. remaining calm as possible, i asked him where'd he been the night before? "oh, i was at a friends house. Julia. i was out really late, thats why i didn't call." whos Julia? i asked if he'd gone home last night fully aware i was wrong in tricking him into answering this, fully aware i would not benefit from any answer he'd give me. he paused, for a unusually long time. i could see in his face, even through the phone that he was struggling to tell the truth. "no, i stayed over" only then did i tell him where i'd slpet. i prceeded to cry and do my best not to accuse, but, i mean really. how many times can a person burn there hand and still not see the flame? he told me i was over reacting and that i was disgustingly jealous and he couldn't take it. if i didn't trust him, then i ought to say so and be threw.

4 months later, 2 years and 1 month down the road, i didn't trust him with anything anymore. least of which, with my nearly lifeless heart. so, with what pride and strength i had left i picked him up one day after not seeing him for almost 2 weeks. we went to coffee not far off College St, berkley. i told him that i couldn't do it anymore. i'd been lying to myself and him for over a month in pretending that i could. we hadn't been fighting or anything so i think i caught him off gaurd. "we should quit while we're ahead" i'd say. "i DO love you, but its about time i thought about myself...and i'm a mess Ian. we're no good for each other, espeacially now." i smiled through blurry soaked eyes, gave him a hug and kiss and said good bye.

on my way back over the bridge i cried softly teriffied and overwhelmed with what i'd just done. what i'd needed to do for so ridiculously long. i slipped my heart out from his hands and it now lay in my lap. i harldly knew what to do with it, so i put it in my pocket.

how many people have pieces? so many. how many foot prints lay tracked over it, a few. of whom do i allow to hold it now? only me, and slowly, a boy i hope isn't as clumbsy with it as i tend to be. he didn't drop it in my car that night, he held it close and safe. but its mine and i can't forget that ever again.