prestently listening to:mothers table foutain

intentions to: go to the YC yo!

soberity level: 1/2 cup-o-joe down

explain to me why i spazz out the way i do? yesterday BP and i were bowling (bowling!) and having a pitcher. i said somthing rude unintetionally. it was something about him being an alcoholic, which i don't in any regaurd think that he is. i don't know what i was thinking. Sam Adams made me say it. it made him uncomfortable and i felt REALLY bad. then on our cruz up the "'mino" he asked how often i somke the reffer. i kinda frozen. he doesn't smoke pot, which is more than fine with me, i kinda prefer it that way actually. but, all that same i didn't know how to answer. in most cases i'd lie. why lie? cause its easier than the truth most often than not. or, at least lying used to easiest. but i don't want to lie to him, so, i didn't. besides, a bowl every couple of days isn't NA worthy, i don't think. considering i went from smoking a bowl in the morning, a bowl at lunch and continual bong loads from 9-12pm, i should be proud. but i wasn't. i was scared. realistically, if the truth was as devastating to him as i was afraid it could have been, i should get up and walk away anyhow. i always seem to lose confidence in myself as an individual when i start to really care about someone else. its a curse. a vicious circle. cause then i become less attractive to that person for being spineless. where oh where is that confidence of mine? so, in any case, BP was actually more than cool. he saw i was uncomfortable with the conversation and assured me i wasn't being judged. he said he asked because sometimes when he gets in my car he'd smell the reffer. so i told him the truth and i told him how much of an improvement that was for me and then i told him how awkward i was feeling with the conversation. he proceeded to tell me a drug related story to make me feel better. it only made me feel like a bad influence, but it was a really nice gesture. alls well that ends well. we went back to my apartment and watched Frailty. well, he watched, i slept. we weren't all snuggley on the couch like normal, but i think that was because my brother was watching with us. after the movie i coaxed him into my room so we could make-out. sometimes i second guess this whole "love" thing. theres no doubt in my mind that I mean it, and i'm saying he doesn't...but it really was far too soon to say out loud. i don't care for casually "i love you"s. the words lose meaning. then theres the obligation to say "i love you too". i think i'd like to save those words. i just don't want to give the impression that theres something wrong. i think i need to work on my comunication with BP. theres alot to talk about thats never been addressed. i can't think of a single example. but i know theres lots.

note(s) to self:

-don't be a wuss. be yourself.

-don't abuse the words "i love you"

-be the great comunicater you are. talk!