prestently listening to:my computer humming

intentions to: go back to bed

soberity level: ((yawn))

i feel dated these days. in my last speech class, we were supost to work around the room and find 5 other people to be in a group with. mind you, this was our 3rd class, so, what the fuck do i know about any other these people? certainly not enough to put my grades in their sweaty JC hands. in any case, this boy approached me. he was in my Human Sexuality class last semester, he seems nice enough. we were chatting and he asked me how old i was...i told him i'd graduated in '00 and his response? "damn! your old!" the thing is, i was positive he was at least 2 years older than ME. hes 19. and i'm old? "so, you can buy up right?" yes, that is the perk of being an ancient 21 year old. then, yesterday, BP and i were watching Shannon Dorty talk about the "Bubblegum Babylon" child stars and their struggle to transform into serious artists. ha! i'm waaay past MY prime apparently! and BP and i were talking about family history and so on. ya. well. by my mother's biological clock i should have been married for at least 3 years by now and bearing my first child pretty damn soon. christ! now i know all you adults out there are smacking their foreheads or stomping their feet whining about how YOU wish YOU were still 21, and i am by no means ungrateful. i swear! i enjoy my "youth" everyday. i'm just nearly stating the obvious. the obvious being...i dunno i forgot.

yesterday BP woke in my bed, me, in his arms. we attempted to get up to make breakfast, but were inevitably drawn back into bed. things were ((gulp)) moving right along when his blood sugar plummeted and he almost faint. i was flattered. talk about timing! can't be surprised really, that�s alot of blood rushing in such a state. i jumped up and got him juice and made him a bagel. i sat there, holding him, watching every shaky sip and bite. i wasn't the least bit scared, at the time. if there is ANYTHING in this world i am excellent at, its taking care of people, especially in any small medical emergencies. i'm no surgeon, but man if i won't feel like your mom when you need comfort. so, we sat until he felt better and he apologized and was embarrassed. i assured him there was no reason to be embarrassed, but he was. i sat behind him, holding him and told him i loved him. he was much better after breakfast. that silly boy needs to learn to eat. we went to the beach and ran up and down the shore. throwing rocks, digging in the wet sand. he gave me a piggy back ride, which i'm sure is quite a site as i probably weigh 20 lbs more than him. we found a rock to perch on and watched the sunset clung to each other for warmth. the sunset was dazzling. i never watch the sun set as my working hours have been 2-8pm for as long as i can remember. after the beach, soggy and sandy, we went to get a bite at Anthony's work. the sports bar/restaurant was packed with roudy Raiders fans, but we hardly noticed. we ate, had a beer and went "home". unintentionally, we took a nap and for anyone whom might be wondering...its never a good idea to nap after 6pm when you've been drinking. we woke up sleepier than when we passed out and most begrudgingly got ready for the festivities. i was totally bratty for about half an hour, then BP was being a baby. so, when we got to the Eleventeen show, i ditched him and Renee to find some peeps. i meant no offense. i just didn't see the benefit of watching each other be crabby. later i apologized and explained, but i didn't have to. he came home with me again last night.

why is sex so much more tempting/exciting when theres no time for it?

BP had to work this morning. i'm left here cold and lonley. homework completed. i can't go back to bed cause i'll smell him on my sheets and get lonlier. looking back at the other morning that WAS scarey. i'm sure hes fine 'n all, but he was genuinley scared. i'm not gonna sit here and cry about "i don't know what i'd do with out him", because i was finally doing ok without anyone just before we met. i'm sure i'd be fine if we were to part. i take great comfort in being able to say that. but it doesn't make me want him around any less. doesn't stop me from thinking about him all the time and it doesn't change the fact that, being "ok" if he left would still include a very broken heart.