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and it's hard to hold a candle |
Friday, Jan. 24, 2003 - 1:42 pm not enough prestently listening to:screaming children intentions to: work it soberity level: blah the vicious circle that is guilt and feeling sorry for myself. i suffer not from any crippling diseases. i have all my limbs, digits and facial features. i wasn't born with any disfiguring problems of myphysical or mental being. and thus is my guilt for my own self loathing, pity and its cause. i often wonder if given the disadvantages of so many others would i become more greatful? instead i whine at my frivalis misfortunes and, smothered in guilt by my own ungreatfulness for my own life, i dive deeper into pity. who am i to complain? i have most all of the family members that count alive and well to date. i am not and have not been abused in any dramatic sense of the word. no more than any other one of us is abused everyday by cruel and injust strangers. my only life tragedy that'd make Teen Magizines would be my poor attempt at an eating disorder in High School. what a quiter! that lasted less thanone year. and to boot, it was entirely a self afflicted misfortune. i watched my grandfather, weak from his kimo treatments lie in bed while my aunts coaxed him into smoking pot to encourage his hunger. and i starved myself or purged what i'd get down. not too smart to be chastised. not too dumb to be had. i am at best miserable in my commoness. i've never been an -est and even more disapointingly on my part, i've never tried hard enough to be an -est. i make minimal amouts of effort in everyting i do. i don't even suck enough to be pittied. i have friends. but not the kind you'd be envious of me for having. i'm not lame enough to be cool. |
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in the cold November rain |