prestently listening to:anthony sing along to the DDR

intentions to: cut some groovey hair

soberity level: i'm ditching the "sober till 4/20" thing later tonight

so i was reading some of my earliest enties and i've come to decide that i've lost a great deal of depth and insight over the last while. i'm not sure what has provoked this awful change. i think maybe i talk too much now. i always had so much more to write when i didn't have anyone to talk to. its better this way, for me anyhow. when i get to talking to lotts of people all the time i end up talking too much and saying really stoopid shit. this is why i'm meant to be a wallflower. it not like i don't have the capability to maintain large groups of friends and/or aquaintences, i just...shouldn't. i talk and talk till i start to say things that aren't so true. then i get real quiet cause i know i've say too much and i look dumb. sometimes i wonder where that little voice that tells me to shut the fuck up goes to. and why it comes too late sometimes. maybe i'll wire my teeth shut. i could tell people it was an anti-war protest thing, like a hunger protest. people would think i were nobel, teachers wouldn't call on me in class, i'd stop saying dumb things and maybe i could shed a few pounds. its not a bad i dea. where does one go to wire thier mouth shut? the dentist? i wish there were a cheaper way. i'll bet its expensive. oh woe is me, and my fucking pity parties for one.

i need a time out sothing terrible. no one talk to me. i'm on time out.

i think i'll make a shirt that says somthing like that, "please don't talk to me, i'm on a timeout."

sigh. being quiet makes me appreciate little things. i can feel my ungreatfulness growing these days. i should really just disapear for a bit. these things are often very difficult to explain to loved ones and those whom concern themselves with your well being. i'm not taking for granted that people care, but understanding is a level care that most people don't consider, really. i got into this kind of a debate in my philosophy class last term. you can't ever really and truely except/understand somthing you can't experience, or at the very least imagine to experience. its of no disrespect or discrimination, but you can only tolerate experiences that aren't your own, not really except them. to except/experience somthing is to have it become a part of your being.

ya, so Kelly is coming over so i can cut her hair tonight. i'm excited. shes hella cool and we can talk shit about people we can't talk shit about in front of the b/f's. that'll be extra cool.

sigh. i'm feeling much better than i was earlier today. i was a soggy mess. somtimes i'd like to just crawl up into a little ball and disapear. not so much lately, which is good i guess. but, ya. today was bad times. i suck.

Anthony, my 11 year old friend just drew me a picture of me in a cartoon style pencil on yellow binder paper. i'm wearing a tank top that says "Rock Oh!", a mini skirt and i got crazy sick hair. i fucking love my job here.

my mom and i were talking, well, i was talking avout how i hate wasting time at my school, not knowing what i'm doing. my mom was like "well, what? you want to work at the youth center for the rest of your life!?!" and really, the youth center is the only thing i've enjoyed consistently since i started 3 years ago. so i said, "ya. why not?" she didn't have any brilliant mom like answers for that one. good thing too, cause she ran a daycare in my house when i was little. she can't talk shit about childcare. i guess she just wants better for me, but maybe whats best is what makes me feel good inside. is that so fucking strange? it seems to be a foreign idea for most.

i guess thats enough rambling for this entry.