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and it's hard to hold a candle
Friday, Apr. 11, 2003 - 11:59 am
*how does one tie a tie anyway?

prestently listening to:my own humming

intentions to: work(it at the transfighters show. the foo plants show.)

soberity level: blah

i almost learned to tie a tie by my self this morning.

bp didn't feel right this morning. i think its because we didn't really kiss. last night or this morning.

sex without kissing is like eating food that doesn't taste good when your not even hungry, like when you have a cold. your not even enjoying eating, at all. you don't even want to eat, its just there so you eat it. you think it might make you feel better in the long run. but really its just mindles chewing. and with every bit you get more sick with yourself for starting in the first place. but then, you figure, you already started your meal, you already decided SOME where in your head it was a good idea. so you finish. and when its all over, your left even less satisified than when you started out with that feeling of needing SOMTHING.

it was kinda like that. he could tell i was upset with somthing, but i kept my mouth shut till later. it was a hard subject to approach. now that i think about it, there is something else too...we haven't had a sex talk since, well, since we first started having sex really. this makes me feel very irrasponsible. it makes me think less of our realtionship. i supose i should address this ASAP.

heres a break down of last saturday night as i wrote to Kelly...

" haha!

hi! so, ya. Jen is a bitch. i know i'm just supost to accept this, but, ya. i

said "hello" to her and she barely raised an eyebrow. later, after you left,

she was leaving and she said good bye to Renee and BP, not me. whateve. i

wasn't trippin on that. i don't expect her, or anyone really to like me. i

didn't care really. i'm sure she hates me.

(don't mention ANY of this next part to Tim, please. i really don't want it

getting back to BP. we got into kinda a fight about it. our 1st "fight")

no! the reason i was mad...remember when we came back from that bowl and Renee

was all drunk and talking about BP "living" with her while her parents are

away? ya. she went on for a while, i don't know if you noticed. thats cool

though. i hate staying by myself too, ya know? but i don't see why she'd

discuss that with me. out of respect, really.

but then, after you left, she went on about how her parents are paying for her

and BP to go to Las Vegas. cool. whateve. good for them. then she went into how

she was telling her parents that they could just share a bed! no need for two!

ok. again, i understand you can share a bed with a friend. i do it everytime i

got to Santa Barbara to visit with Erik. but really, why have this conversation

with me? it made me WAY uncomfortable and it was just plain unpleasant to hear

about for 20 mins. i was waaay pist. at this point it was just BP Renee and i,

and BP apparently didn't see the trouble in talking about sleeping with Renee.

it sucked.

so they were all talking about how they were tired 'n shit, so i was like, "i'm

out this piece, yo." then BP is like, "want me to walk you to your car?' and

i'm thining, uh, you parked right next to me. so i said "you don't have to"and

he was like, "ok, bye." and didn't hug me in fron of Renee. they stayed at the

bar, just the two of them. i walked to my car, by myself. i was folloed for a

block by a lowered SUV packed full of large horny Mexicans saying shit

like, "hey, where you going? wheres your boyfriend at? you shouldn't be walking

alone. come here."

fucking rad.

then i got lost for 30 mins trying to find the freeway.

Kelly, i was soooo mad.

the next day, he called to make sure i got home ok, cause i didn't call when i

got home like i said i would. i'd been so pist that night, i didn't sleep, or

eat all the next day. i told him i was mad and why. he apologized, and

apologized for Renee.

its not like i have a thing against her, AT ALL. it was just a waaay fuct up,

inappropriate situation. BP got kinda deffensive saying stuff like "Renee has

been there for me...we've always been friends, and we'll always be friends"

its not i'm challenging that. i'd NEVER think in a million years that he'd take

me or my side over Renee, EVER. i know that, and it's fine.

it's all good now, but i was freakin mad. then to have BP get all defensive

like "you can't touch me and Renee's realtionship" kinda hurt my feelings,

cause it was like, he wasn't hearing me out. like Renee could do no wrong.

ya, and, they drink WAY to much. it was bothering me for a while now. i don't

feel like i have much of a right to say anything though. it makes me kinda sick

sometimes though. like how no one thought it was gross the Renee had 5 martinis

sitting at her house, by herself before BP went to go pick her up to bring her

to a BAR(!?!?). thats why i drove my own car. i didn't wanna be alone with them

with her like that.

yuck.

ya. that was alot. but, ya.

its all good now. no worries.

cool. i'll call you very soon...

~k"

i'm going to SB next week. ERik is 21 on Tuesday. i can't begin to get into the potential trouble for me to get into there. reffer to any "SB" titled entries for examples.

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in the cold November rain