prestently listening to:i

intentions to: hate

soberity level: renee

7/30/03 the lovely marie confirms my suspicious beyond any doubt:

"sometimes I feel like Renee wants me gone, because Brandon is HER best friend...therefore he cannot be anyone else's friend..or god forbid, he have a girlfriend. But I dunno. I haven't voiced that to BP or Renee...because it's a touchy subject and I dunno how to bring it up...I question if she has any other feelings for Brandon. Don't tell that to Brandon, because I dunno...I'm just nervous about bringing it up...but yeah...even my mom asked me if Renee wanted to be more than brandon's friend...and my friend Ro, who has only met them like once or twice, asked if Renee and Brandon were dating or something and Ro's all..well what i really meant was, does Renee like Brandon, but he doesn't like her, as more than a friend? Yeah...so I dunno...I've questioned it myself...but yeah..I mean..I know it must suck...cause what do you do..I'm really confused about her. I just dunno. Actually, once, when she was drunk, she said to me that she doesn't like sharing Brandon...and I didn't know what o say..because i was like.. umm...thanks...that's a stab at me, kristen, his band, all his friends...i dunno...i just didn't know what to say..."

i'd like to kick renee in the mouth, punch bp for making me doubt my intuition and slap myself for not listening to my gut.

i plan on speaking to renee before bp comes back. my game plan?...

invite renee out for a drink...

"hi, renee. thanks for meeting me here. ya know, i couldn't help but notice your in love with bp. now, you've said some fuct up shit to me in the past in respect to my being his girlfriend, i wanted to give you a chance to clearify any miscomunication here. are you totally socially retarded as bp has deffended you? or do you in fact hate me and want me gone to try 'n "have bp to yourself" as i suspect? don't you want him to be happy? hes happy with me, ya know. if you think otherwise, please tell me so now. no? well, then i'm going to ask you once and only once, please back the fuck off. step on my toes again, and i won't be so nice. now, we can be adult about this and keep this to ourselves, or if you feel the need, by all means cry about this to bp. the decision is your entirely. know this: this is you and i, not you and him, not him and i, you and me."