prestently listening to:

intentions to:

soberity level:

so. i can't stand talking to bp. i miss him, i love him, but, ya. this whole renee situation has raised too manmy questions in my mind for me to feel at ease with "us". hes not here to give me any answers, and it just boils in my head. anytime we have talked in the last weeks has been him telling me about tour, which is understandable, but i've got so much going on and i don't feel like he cares. does he think i'm sitting at home waiting for him? i know its not fair to be so angry w/o talking with him, but i'm out of ideas here. i'm avoiding his calls and not returning text messages. i feel like a bitch, but i'm so mad at him, faking a peppy "hello, i love you" is only going to put me over the edge.

prior to his leaving, all i did was put my life on hold to be the perfect girlfriend. he had alot to do so i sat in the shadows, quietly. i kept my mouth shut and smiled so he could leave unwavered by my pressing concerns with our realtionship.

and why is it Marie has become my best friend/confidant with the renee trials? i'm thinking less of bp for associating with such children. she feeds my renee suspicions like a can of hair spray to a flame. why? being a consipicous, i'm convinced this is all one big plan to drive me away from him. if thats the case, my natyral reaction is to fight, never let them win! however, i'm growing weak with drama and i want to graduate from these reindeer games.

i'm 21 years old. i'm not saying i know it all or that i'm so crazy sofisticated adult (shit, i can't even spell!) i'm just saying i'm done playing any games. i just wanna be staight up and have the favor returned. these complicated dramatic devices have lost thier lust and are now replaced with real life concerns. ($$$)

help.

bp is back in one week. one week! i haven't a thing to say to him right now.