prestently listening to:my thoughts

intentions to: work later

soberity level: hung over

so last night i went to a metal show. some guys called metal shop. totally rock. i got a spandex dress and totally pulled off the groupie slut look in red pumps.

brandon and i got way drunk. i drove his car back to my house. we came back and felt sick so we ate a bagel and drank water till we ended up haveing crazy dirty metal sex all night long. (well, as dirty as i would have sex) HE initiated all our raunchy pillow talk. it was waay hot. he was all about that "f" word, i'll tell you. i have never heard him swear like he did last night. wow. so after hours of all out sex, not love making but sex, we passed the fuck out and woke up drunk still.

asides from the sweet ending to a metal evening i was slightly tense. i had e-mail him some crazy stuff about how if he couldn't take me being crazy right now i'd understand. we were both withdrawn last night. i could tell even when i was wasted.

i don't know if i'm causing this strangness some how myself or if its really strange. i'm still scared.

i have an appointment sept 30th. we'll see what happens from there i supose.

i need help.

brandon says he'll help me. he'll help 'us'.

deep breaths. i think i need another good cry.