prestently listening to:

intentions to:

soberity level:

somethings slipping. i can feel it. is it me? or is it him?

i do this. i slip into denial, disbelief, depression call it what you will. but thats me. and it passes.

somethings slipping.

k- lets go to bed

b- ((quiet))

k- aren't you sleepy?

b- ((quiet))

i searched his face for a clue.

k- sleep over, please?

b- i'd like to...i said i'd be home. i should really go home.

instantly humiliated. i just assumed he'd stay. normally he stays.

b- i don't want to get sick again. not that you'd make me sick! i should sleep.

k- ok. then go.

b- you look sad.

k- of course. i assumed you were staying, i'm embarrassed. i want you to stay.

b- ooh, i'm sorry.

k- its ok. you should go before it gets later. go before i pout and beg for you not to leave.

b- well, if your going to pout and beg...

k- no. i don't want to beg you to stay with me. go if you think you should go.

b- i'll stay.

k- are you sure? why?

b- i want to.

k- do you think you should?

b- not necisarily.

we went to bed and i rubbed his back till he was a warm puddle and then slithered off his back, to his side. snuggled up close enough to feel his breath on my skin.

we woke several times in the moring. each time repositioning. on our sides, me engulfed in his arms. my head lay on his chest. on our sides, i clung to his back. we woke at last with his whispered "i love you" thank you for staying.

we ate cereal watching tv and then said good byes.

there was a distance the entire event. was it his? or mine? am i panicing again? or is something arye?

i'm flipping out. i've been honest this whole time. by now i should have built a strong, convincing character for him to fall in love with. i have nothing but me. what do i have to hide behind? what happens if i fall? i hit the ground, not a made up character of me. this is scarey. i'm exposed and scared.

me?

who i am with him is who i am. who am i? if i'm not so'n'so's so'n'so, than that leaves me with, me. i'm used to pretending.

i need not to think about this for a minute. not think about him.

who am i again? i'm slipping.