prestently listening to:

intentions to:

soberity level:

i went to raging waters with my YC kids yesterday. it was awesome! i really love my job. i sat around soaking up sun for a few hours, took a nap and then went with the kids on a few rides. they get so pumped when you hang out. i felt nice to have my company appreciated. somthing stoopid happened though. while i was napping. i didn't really sleep but drifted in and out of a drugged conciousness induced by the beating sun and echoed music sitting between the range of two speakers. in this state i thought of ian. i remembered the way he used to touch me. i remembered how much he loved me once. actually it was just like in the movies when someones life flashes before thier eyes before they plumet to thier death, only it was my life with ian, and i haven't reasoned when the plumet comes in. these were aweful thoughts to have in a place of fun like raging waters. i don't ever mean to think of ian, it just happens. anyway i woke up in a thick sweat, depressed as all hell. thank gawd those kids came to drag me on a slide when they did. my mind was moving so fast in my sleep. i felt like i would have gone crazy if i'd been left there to 'dream' any longer.

i miss him. maybe i just miss being loved. thats probably it. i miss someone careing about me, my feelings, how my day went or what i'm doing tomorrow. i don't have anyone who cares. thats probably healthiest for me now. i should care enough for myself to not need someone else to care.

but i get lonely.