prestently listening to:the coffee maker gurgle and spit.

intentions to: not go to class. i think i'l re-dye my hair today

soberity level: only one sip o'joe down so far...

i woke up at 6am. i laid in bed for about 20 mins before i decided i couldn't take my own thoughts any longer.

i could smell my own morning breath on my pillow.

it reminded me of ian. ((sigh))

my mind races in the dark.

i was thinking of the first time i met him. i can remember that night very clearly (although i'm not sure why. i hardly remember ANYTHING. espeacially from around that time. i was what you could call an E-tard)

i was thinking of the first time he spent the night at my house with Nick after one of Gooies parties at Maritime.

it was my prom night now that i put it together in my head. i was at prom long enough to take pictures with erik, make a drug deal and leave. i didn't see anyone from school because we were mad early. we'd been promoting for Ouliana's party for months. i didn't think twice about missing prom.

all that night ian was making out with so girl he kinda knew. all that night Nick was looking for the right oppurtunity to admit he liked me, alot, and try and make a move. i had no idea Nick liked me, i was going after his friend very obviously. that must have sucked for him. sorry Nick.

that night nick slept in my sister's (whom wasn't there) bed and ian slept in my bed with me. he was very gentlmanly and insisted he slept over the covers.

the next day Nick had to leave early and when he tried to wake ian i told him i'd take ian home later. that day was the first time ian and i kist. it was later crowned our anniversary date. April 28th.

thats really gross. ian and i's anniversary was the day after he'd been making-out with some random chick all night.

then, as i lay in my bed this morning i remembered the firt time we...ehhmm...ya. it was an akward conversation to have in the moring after another rave. i was the one rooting for it. funny. well, to make a long grafic story short and sweet, it was NOT a good time. we finished and i lay crying quietly in pain, humiliation and broken pride. all of which i can't and don't blame HIM for. noo. it was my poor decision making skills at the time.

he felt really bad and that only made me feel worse.

i-"you really weren't ready."

k-"i know. i'm sorry."

why did i lay this morning remembering all of this? i have a few ideas.

just as soon as i feel like i'm totally done with even thinking of ian, along comes a boy, that i like, alot..and all kinds of memories flood my mind.

i guess this has less to do with ian and more to do with my feelings for people...boys.

in case it wasn't obvious, ian was the first "boyfriend" i ever 'slept' with. i was 18.

i'd lost my virginity to this other jerk i went to high school with. it was 4 days before i turned 18. his name was ian also. we'd been friends for about 4 years and he'd tried to get in my pants when i was a freshman. i told him to fuck off. my senior year, i just didn't care. i new he'd be an asshole in the morning. and at school. i didn't however expect him to brag to EVERYONE that he'd slept with me. i didn't think i'd be that big-a-deal. turns out i was regaurded as some sort of untouchable. i guess everyone knew i had held on to my V-card that whole time in high school. it was a scandal. i found out how he'd bragged to all these people and i went to his house and chewed him out till he was in tears. "respect blah, can't do this to another human being blah, i lost my virginity to you you asshole!"

yeahy me.

theres one other "partner". but i'll save that story for another rainy day. looks like they'll be here to stay for a while...rainy days that is.