prestently listening to: still

intentions to: hate

soberity level: renee

happy 4th.

i got up at 7am to park my car (that i FINALLY got back from the shop) downtown rwc to watch the white trash parade! it was waay grand. stacey and i got hight in my car with cops all over the streets. we watched the parade from the comfort, shade and privacy from the back of my heavily hinted explorer. oh yes.

an hour into the parade we got waay bored and walked around the art'n'wine fest part of this whole gig. usless shit! i love it! anthony joined us. i was being a pissy bitch cause...well, cause i wasn't so stoned anymore and it was getting hot out there!

i came home, showered and took of for stevies house sf styles. we were gonna go to stintsons beach across the golden gate for a sunset party. in our travels, we learned that the party was actuall in Balinas CA, which happens to be a 2 hour drive from sf.

we got waay lost, we got waay stoned (that order! i swear!). so we find this "Balinas" with the only road going in blocked by cops. so, we park and try and walk in. "can't enter Balinas unless you can prove residencey"

whathefuck? so, we get back in the car and head to sf, again. we go to this chicks house of where i was at on halloween. its there, a few beers deep, i decide its prime shroom taking time.

steven and i gobble down our shroomy chocolates and walked with our monsterous group of 10 or so the Dolores park. we tried to watch the fireworks, but that big fancy city hall building thats all lite up at night kept changing shape, so i was waay distracted. we walked back and things felt very strange. if you've ever done those silly psycedelic mushrooms before; you know that erie inbetween phase before your fuct up?i stayed there all night.

the rest of the party was after a night of coke bingeing so, steve and i left. yeahy for driving on shrooms! we got back to his place safe and sound and watched tv till we passed out.

skeletor the kitty kitty tried to sleep with, or rather on me. i miss my kitties.

i woke up waay early to go pee. now, in steves house, down stairs, there in one long hallway with about 10 doos. one end of the hall is steves room, and the other end the room we passed out in. i got up and strated walking to the other end of the hall as directly to the right of steves door is the bathroom. steves room faces east, so, his door (shut) was glowing around the egdes and i swear i head fischerspooner blairing from within. i keep thinking, "theres no one in there. steve was down the hall with me, i saw him 2 seconds ago."

and the music kept getting louder. i wanted to open his door, but i was terrified. i'm not sure what i was afraid to find, but i was scared. so? i went pee and ran back down the hall. and as i returned, the music had sto[pped and stevie was still dead asleep in the bed couch next to where i lay.

turns out...steves alarm had went off and while i was peeing he had got up and turned it off and gone back to bed. huh. go figure, right?

all saturday i felt like shit. i was feeling waay wierd when him and i went to try and sell clothes on haight. not one peice sold! fuck that.

driving from sf the my house i called bp. i was a total basketcase and had no buisness talking to him in that condition. i told him about my night and the drugs and i almost cried over the phone. i was exhausted, and missing him. i feel bad talking to him like that, but i wanted to hear his voice. now i'm sure he thinks i've turned into some drug addicted crack whore.

i drove home, got waay antsi, so then i drove to sj to see kelly. i changed 4 times before i left in the heat of being waay fickle. as soon as i got to timmy's, the dog jumped on me and got mud all over my jeans and new white tank top. grrrreat.

we smoked a waaylott of weed and drove around sj hills. it was cool. we talk ed about random shit till we ended up at a mall for dinner. we ate at red robins and discussed the strain the compacted tour/renee thing was having on my relationship with bp. i guess i looked sad while talking and she gave me empty "encouraging" words. being kelly's sugar mama, i paid for dinner and drinks and we went back to tim's. i got to see the dog calm and kelly's dealer texted her "i know thats dudes g/f, but she hot"

i called marie to see how she was doing; better i was glad to hear. i get the impression that wants less to do with this whole renee drama, but thats fine. its not her mess anyway.

shortly there after i went home. i was home before kenny and stacey and even my mom. i am a sad 21 year old.

i invited renee out of a drink tonight. we'll see how/if that goes.

meal while, i think i'll re-dye my hair.