prestently listening to:

intentions to:

soberity level:

today is dark. (not literally, its just getting bright, potenially a beautiful day)

i woke up at 10 to 7. i got to the gym at about 10 after 7. i ran a mile then pretended to strech and work my abs in the mirrored areobics room. i left at about 10 to 8.

i came home and cleaned my room. i knew i wasn't going to get myself to class. i put on some smashing pumkins and took a shower. in the shower i shaved my legs and started to cry. i stood with the water streaming over my face in shallow sobs. (crying in the shower is my crying place of choice. you can't tell whats salin from whats just water) in the shower i thought of depressing things like what music i'd want played at my funeral. i strated making a list in my head. (some red hot chilli peppers, smashing pumkins, pink floyd & various 80s artists)

i got out of the shower and noted i could still very easily make it to my 9:10 class, but i had little intentions of that happening. instead i strated to think of what i'd like to say to people before i die. then i thought of what might be the most painless way to die; herion over dose, sleeping pills, gun shot to the head. i started to think about how hard it'd be to find herion or sleeping pills.

i made a plan in my head;

1) get all needed drugs and utensils

2) tell mom i was going to visit either erik or paul

3) i'd go to reno and get a room at the Adventure Inn, a space themed room i think

4) i'd take laxitives as soon as i reached my destination as not to excrimate all over as i passed (the idea of that always really disturbed me, being found in your own waste)

5) i'd put on my black dress, do my hair nice, put on the finest make-up

6) i'd take the nessicary doses, lie back and be done.

don't think this plan will be executed. i just think too much.

its a lovely day out now. (this has no metaphorical connection, its really just a nice sunny day)

i guess having this plan and knowing its in my power to execute it (no pun intended) some how makes me feel better. as powerless as i may feel at given moment, i always have the power to take my own life.

(by the way, i don't hurt my self for kicks or anything sick like that, i'm alright most of the time, really)