prestently listening to:the hum that is electricity

intentions to: go buy groceries (<--- food)

soberity level: hazed with lack of love in my life

why is it i am no good at this thing called life (love)?

sd- "pink, do you have a boy friend?"

me- "nope."

sd- "no?!? how do you not have a boy friend?!? your the coolest prettiest chick EVER! how do YOU not have a boyfriend?!? boys must love you?!?"

me- "nope"

clarification...sd = Sarah Drowney a lovely teen trouble maker that hangs out with me at the youth center i work at. (for all you potential boyfriends, i am a licensed cosmotologist, aka hair dresser, and i am taking time from my positively exciting and rewarding ($) carrer to go to college and work at a youth center in the town i was raised in)

so tell me, how is it someone as lovely and selfless as myself is left cold and lonley night after night? well, i don't like 'meeting people' for one. i like REAL people (althought i did just propose to my present on-line dream boy, dan, scanzilla)

real people. i love my friends, because we don't bullshit each other. thats not true, we bullshit all the time, but its for fun, not to pretend to be interested in each other. i like going out to clubs, bars, partys, shows, concerts, social gatherings of sorts. but its with in those masses that you have to put on your public face. you know, the one that doesn't cringe when you see things you hate like, drunk girls being slutty, or dumb jock-o guys chanting or shouting ridiculous or offensive things.

its times like now i take a minute to reflect on how it was that i met the greatest (and equally worst) people in my love life.

boyfriend #1, 3 months- mark frank of menlo, 16 drove a ol skoo mercedes- on a golf course? ya. i don't even golf. my dad belonged to the club. i was just hanging out by the pro shop to get ice cream. he said "i love you" and asked me to "do it" with him. i said no way. he dumped me soon after...on my birthday. i was 15, turned 16.

boyfriend #2, 4 months- david phiffer of redwood, 18 drove a pimp new red truck- in PE class. ah, ya. he liked my friend Jamie, but she turned him down...so i went out with him. he had a cool truck(?). i was a freshman, he was a senior. i thought i was cool.

boyfriend #3, 1 year- justin babin of san carlos, 17 drove his mommy's volvo- at school. mutual friends. all his friends thought i was HOT. i was cool then, i guess? we said "i love you" to each other, and grew apart. 16-17

boyfriend #4, 6 months- jj straton of redwood, 17 i don't remember, his mom's car- in algebra class. he was junior, i, a sofmore. i really fell in love with him. he moved to missiouri. we kept in contact for a long time. he'd come to see me, but eventually, it was over. i have a class with his older sister now. his family and i were really close. he broke my heart. i cried for months after he left, and months after he told me he had a new girlfriend. (hot cali guy in missouri? how long could i keep him?. i was 17.

boyfireind #5, 2 years- ian lushtak of berkely, 16 didn't have a license- at a rave through a mutual friend that i'd met at a rave. i love him. i don't want to talk about it. he cheated on me. we broke up. i wanted him back, and then i broke up with him again because i couldn't forgive him. the saga continues today. i was 18. it ended last may, i'm 20. he'll be 19 in december.

(that was a whole bunch of boyfriend history. i left out important flings & things... that'll be another episode.)

my heart flys, breaks, melts back together only to go through it all again.

love me.

please.