prestently listening to:50 million persian kids

intentions to: visit bp's show in redwood shores

soberity level: ehh

:::PROJECT Quit That Shit!:::

i need to quit being so fucking pesimistic. its really eating me away. my crazy depression/mood swings are getting old and i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

i've considered medications. i just don't want to have to take something everyday just to feel normal. i smoke an ample amount of weed regularly enough and i mellow the fuck out. but i've been trying to quit smoking for the sake of my job and that whole leagality thing.

normally bp helps me out in my time of lows, but hes starting to be the icon of my upset. its not him really, we aren't having problems...i just freak-out sometimes. i freakout for no reason at all. but i'm starting create reasons for being upset, in his name. thats not fair for him at all. its not fair for me either, but i can't help it.

in a time of deperate low, feeling guilty as all hell knowing that bp feels somethings wrong and i can't say a word to explain myself. i have very seriouly considered giving myself a time out. maybe not seeing him till i quit this shit. but i don't think bp would ever take that the right way...i know i probably wouldn't. plus, its me with the issues, so to say i can't see him is just a silly way to punish myself while making him flipout. no good, in short.

so, what then? i find the appropriate meds to dope myself up enough to loose all personality? get a canibis card to make the only thing that works for me legal? or? or? or?

self motivated optimisim. thats my plan as of today. "Project Quit That Shit" i need to quit being so fucking pesimistic. its eating me away and ruining my life. my self doubting pesimistic attitude kills all positive realionships i build with people.i need to fucking quit it. its all in my head, so i should be able to take control, right?

we'll see i guess.

right now i need to rty and explain all this (of which i don't understand completely) to Brandon, and see if he'll still have me.